Summer One-Liners

Here are 42 new one-liners that I’ve added to the collection:

• “I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.” - Emo Philips
• Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
• If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.
• Hospitality: Making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.
• Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
• If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?
• Life’s a bitch, because if it was a slut, it’d be easy.
• Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
• “A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.” - Herm Albright
• “Progress is made by lazy men looking for an easier way to do things.” - Robert A. Heinlein
• “You can easily judge the character of a man by how he treats those who can do nothing for him.” - Goethe
• Everything is edible, some things are only edible once.
• There are two kinds of friends: Those who are around when you need them, and those who are around when they need you.
• Archaeologist: Someone whose career lies in ruins.
• “The hardest thing to learn in life is which bridge to cross and which to burn.” - David Russell
• Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.
• There are two kinds of people who don’t say much: Those who are quiet and those who talk a lot.
• Unless you’re the lead dog, the view never changes.
• Constipated people don’t give a crap.
• “Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies.” - Groucho Marx
• One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
• Asking dumb questions is easier than correcting dumb mistakes.
• Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
• “A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life, to be thankful for a good one.” - Mae West
• A politician will stand for what he thinks people will fall for.
• Are you into casual sex, or should I dress up?
• I bet you I could stop gambling.
• “I don’t necessarily agree with everything I say.” - Marshall McLuhan
• “Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.” - Ken Ndaru
• Early to bed, early to rise, and your girlfriend goes out with other guys.
• The squeaky wheel doesn’t always get the grease, sometimes it gets replaced.
• “It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.” - Jack Handy
• The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
• Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.
• I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.
• “You want a friend in Washington? Get a dog.” - Harry S. Truman
• Three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere: Hold my purse.
• “The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.” - Winston Churchill
• “The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.” - George Jessel
• Never go to bed angry, stay awake and plot your revenge.
• “If women ran the world we wouldn’t have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.” - Robin Williams
• “Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position.” - Christopher Marlowe