It’s been a while now, but here are some new one-liners for September:

• I’m saving my abstinence for marriage.
• Relationships are easier if one of you is a cake.
• I’ll show you mine if you show me tequila.
• I called roadside assistance, but they didn’t want to hear about my problems unless it had to do with my car.
• I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry.
• Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
• The best part about working in an office is that if you ever forget that you got a haircut, someone will definitely point it out to you.
• Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married and live together, so I’d have to see them every day.
• I put the “sexy” in Dyslexic.
• Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.
• I’m typically attracted to guys who look like I’ll need therapy after dating them.
• 70% of our planet is covered in water, the other 30% is covered in idiots.
• So apparently RSVP’ing back to a wedding invite “maybe next time” isn’t the correct response.