It’s the first of the month, which means there’s time to add some more funny one-liners to the ever-growing collection. The majority of the one-liners this month is lifted form Mr. One-Liner.

• Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.
• “The hardest job kids face today is learning good manners without seeing any.” - Fred Astaire
• A job is nice but it interferes with my life.
• What goes around usually gets dizzy and falls over.
• A spouse is someone who’ll stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn’t have had if you’d stayed single.
• It is important to stay cool, but be sure to not get frostbite.
• Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
• People tell me I’m childish but I think they’re just being poopyheads.
• The best way to get rid of a telemarketer is to ask them what they are wearing.
• “Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.” - Ann Landers
• “Youth is stranger than fiction.” - Marcelene Cox
• “The best way to escape from a problem is to solve it.” - Robert Anthony
• Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.
• If there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s intolerance.
• I may have a vacuum between my ears, but at least it’s better than nothing.
• You’re not a complete idiot. There are still some parts missing!
• “If winning isn’t important then why keep score?” - Vince Lombardi
• If we are what we eat, then I’m easy, fast, and cheap.
• How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is lost?
• Celibacy is not hereditary.