Here are the new one-liners for October:

• In 20 years, I bet there’s going to be a college course called “Eye contact 101”.
• I just hired a private investigator to find out what I do all day.
• Skiing is probably the most expensive way to fall down a mountain.
• My bed is a magical place where i suddenly remember everything i need to do.
• Saying the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results, is called parenting.
• Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
• I’d be willing to sleep my way to the top if it actually meant sleeping.
• None of my friends laugh at any of my jokes because cats can only meow.
• Sorry I’m late. I was trying to think of ways to get out of this.
• The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
• Let me make this simple: I want to be invited but I don’t want to go.
• Damn girl, are you a magnet? Cos I was attracted to you until you turned around!
• Relax. It’s going to get much worse.
• Judge people on how they treat others when they’re hungry.
• “This bag of potato chips is pure chaos! Something must be done about this!” - Inventor of Pringles
• If you love someone, set them free. Then, text them 50 times a day, telling them how much you love them and how they’re now free.
• I’m not a stalker, I’m an unpaid private investigator.