Here are a few new one-liners I’ve added to the collection:

• I can scramble Rubik’s Cube in under 5 seconds.
• I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is. Scaring men is easy.
• “Every time I think I’m weird I ride the NYC subway.” - Harry Enten
• My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
• My only goal when getting ready to go out in public is to make sure a teenager doesn’t take a discreet picture of my outfit and meme me.
• I like older men because they’ve gotten used to life’s disappointments.
• The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
• Why is it so hard to find someone who loves me for the person I carefully crafted online, that doesn’t represent me at all?
• I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
• I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age, but then again dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
• There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
• “I have a lightsaber next to my bed just in case someone ever breaks in, I can make them feel sorry for me.” - Nick Ross
• I want to be something really scary for Halloween this year so I’m dressing up as a phone battery at 2%.
• The hotel has a live band and my favorite song is “We’re going for a break now, we’ll be back later”.
• I just want to be rich enough to be referred to as eccentric instead of just nuts.
• “I’ve agreed so much with my wife that my head just starts nodding at the sound of her voice.” - Kent Graham
• If you love someone, never talk about politics.
• Got a solid 8 hours of worrying last night.
• “I’m watching my neighbor through the blinds, he’s so creepy.” - Jacob Swift