November One-liners

Here are November’s additions to the one-liners collection, without attributions this time.

• They call our language mother tongue, because the father seldom gets to speak.
• Age has its advantages. Too bad I can’t remember what they are.
• College is a fountain of knowledge…and the students are there to drink.
• If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
• Nothing makes a person more productive than the last minute.
• The major cause of auto wrecks is a screw loose in the nut behind the wheel.
• Whenever my wife sings I have to go outside. Not to get away from her, but to prove to my neighbors I’m not beating her.
• There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and real estate listings.
• An economist is someone who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn’t happen today.
• The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
• Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.
• Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
• Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
• Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
• We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
• Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
• Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
• If sex is a pain in the ass, then you’re doing it wrong.
• How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
• The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
• The sole purpose of a child’s middle name, is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.
• The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
• Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
• He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
• I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
• There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.
• When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
• A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.
• Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.