Here are the new one-liners for May:

• I’d love to continue this conversation but I wasn’t listening.
• Sometimes I wish my conscience was unconscious.
• I wish I could visit longer, but I’ve got something trivial to do.
• A group of owls is called a parliament, which is strange because owls are quite intelligent.
• Twitter has taught me, if you have nothing important to say, say it anyway.
• I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself, but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
• Tomorrow is a big day for me at work. They are refilling the snack vending machine.
• Gambling: The sure way to get nothing for something.
• I’ll clean the house when the last kid has moved out.
• If I ever go missing, before calling the police, please check between my bed and the wall.
• Sometimes I tell people I’m an introvert just so they don’t expect me to talk to them again.
• I’m Irish. You’re not really speaking my language until you start yelling.
• Continental breakfasts should be served on tectonic plates.
• I’d like to test the theory that money can’t buy you happiness.
• My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
• I can’t tell if the zombie apocalypse has started or the office coffee maker is broken.
• I’m too antisocial to answer the door when opportunity knocks.
• I bet raccoons look at garbage trucks the same way I look at taco trucks.
• I’m at my most amazing when no one is paying attention.
• We’re all strangers here, some are just stranger than others.
• Being an open book isn’t helpful if you surround yourself with a bunch of illiterates.