May One-liners

Here are a few additions to the one-liners. This time we have a few funny one-liners and some inspirational quotes:

• “My wife sent her photograph to the Lonely Hearts Club. They sent it back saying they weren’t that lonely.” - Les Dawson
• “Chopsticks are one of the reasons the Chinese never invented custard.” - Spike Milligan
• “I don’t like country music, but I don’t mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means ‘put down’.” - Bob Newheart
• “I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was “Shout For Help”. " - Jimmy Carr
• “I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it.” - Ken Dodd
• “The English country gentleman galloping after a fox is the unspeakable in full pursuit of the uneatable.” - Oscar Wilde
• “Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.” - Mark Twain
• “War is God’s way of teaching Americans geography.” - Ambrose Bierce
• “Trying is the first step towards failure.” - Homer Simpson
• “Nothing is impossible, the word itself says ‘I’m possible’.” - Audrey Hepburn
• “I think it’s better to feel good than to look good.” - Tom Hanks
• “I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it.” - Nelson Mandela
• “You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream.” - C.S. Lewis
• “We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.” - Oscar Wilde
• “Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.” - Carl Gustav Jung
• “Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise.” - Victor Hugo
• “The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don’t have any.” - Alice Walker
• “Stop worrying about the world ending today. It’s already tomorrow in Australia.” - Charles Monroe Schultz