A few more one-liners were added today:

• Everyone leaves the world a little better - some by leaving.
• “Never waste a lie when the truth will do.” - Jack Clancy
• Trying is failing with honors.
• Never interrupt your enemy while they are making a mistake.
• Send lawyers, guns and money!
• Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
• If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
• No one dies a virgin, life screws them all.
• There are two types of people - those who divide people into two types, and those who don’t.
• There are three types of people - those who can count and those who can’t.
• 99% of lawyers are giving the rest a bad name.
• Between two evils always pick the one you haven’t tried.
• Hey Santa, how much for your list of naughty girls?
• Optimist: Someone without much experience.
• The Stock Market always does what you think it will, but rarely when.
• “Stupidity, if left untreated, is self-correcting.” - Heinlein
• The problem with the future is it turns into the present.
• No life is totally wasted, one can always be a bad example.
• Welcome to Hell. Here’s your copy of Windows ME.
• Criminal Lawyer - a redundant phrase.
• Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups.
• A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
• Half the people you know are below average.
• if we don’t protect freedom of speech, we will never know who the assholes are.

I’ve removed the quotation on some of the old one-liners because it has turned out I might have credited the wrong sources. Thanks to everyone who sent me e-mails with new one-liners and corrections.