Here are a few additions to the collection:

• I like birthdays, but I think too many can kill you.
• Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up and slam them on the ground for maximum damage.
• Marriage is the main reason for divorce.
• Escalators don’t break down. They just turn into stairs.
• Intelligence is like an underwear. It is important that you have it, but not necessary that you show it off.
• A liberal is just a conservative that hasn’t been mugged yet.
• I bet you I could stop gambling.
• Sometimes the first step to forgiveness, is realizing the other person was born an idiot.
• Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.
• I think that if I died and went straight to hell it would take me at least a week to realize I wasn’t at work anymore.
• It takes patience to listen. It takes skill to pretend you’re listening.
• Never marry a woman who was captain of the debate team.
• My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
• All the problems fade before a hangover.
• The most beautiful makeup of a woman is passion. But cosmetics are easier to buy.
• Cake: The answer, no matter the question.
• Isn’t it weird how when a cop drives by you feel paranoid instead of protected?
• I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus a slice of lemon and a shot of tequila.