Here are a few new one-liners I’ve added to the collection:

• I’m a really good listener, as long as we’re talking about me.
• Mondays are awesome. It’s just your job that sucks.
• I cheated on my diet yesterday with a prettier, sluttier diet.
• I’d love to have a deep meaningful discussion with my daughter, but I’m not that good at emojis.
• No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
• I don’t need fun to have alcohol.
• My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
• No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother.
• The most important life skill I have learned is when to stop asking questions.
• 63% of time spent being an adult over 40 is just waiting for a pill to kick in.
• My life is an open book. But it’s very poorly written and I die in the end.
• If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore.
• Airline just told my girlfriend she has too much baggage, and they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.