June One-liners

A brand new month must be celebrated with some brand new one-liners. These newcomers to the one-liners collection are mostly lifted from random accounts on Twitter spotted via @FunnyOneLiners.

• Let he without typos, cast the first store.
• One person forgetting to take their medication can really liven up a mundane day at the office.
• Good morning to everyone except people who call to make sure you got their email (like 30 seconds after you got it).
• Friday the 13th is a holiday started by Big Hockey to sell more masks.
• The risk I took was calculated, but man, am I bad at math.
• “Always make new mistakes.” - Ester Dyson
• “If a cop tells you to put your hands in the air, it’s always a bad idea to wave them around like you just don’t care.” - Nick Jack Pappas
• My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
• Never invite an arsonist to a housewarming party.
• “When in doubt tell the truth.” - Mark Twain
• The possibilities are endless, but I just want the good ones.
• If aliens ever decide to abduct me, I hope they do it on a Sunday night and not a Friday night, because I really don’t want to lose a weekend.
• The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother” would only last one episode, entitled “The Wedding”.
• I don’t always whoop, but when I do, there it is.
• “Cults make perfect sense. Do you know how hard it is to make friends as an adult?” - Sophia Benoit
• “One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives.” - Mark Twain