Here are a few new one-liners I’ve added to the collection:

• I know I said you were dead to me, but that was before I needed a ride to the airport.
• Don’t underestimate my overreaction.
• Red Bull and vodka. Because you want to be wide awake for this mistake.
• Being a husband is like being a weatherman. You can be wrong 80% of the time and still hold onto your job.
• What you really learn from marriage counseling is that you’re not the only person your spouse won’t listen to.
• Life is too short to let someone else decide how you waste it.
• I just want to be rich enough that I can buy my furniture already assembled.
• My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her grandmother’s bedroom with a wolf.
• I put the deter in determination.
• I’m so hungry I could eat a vegetable.
• I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
• Found out today you cannot join a gym “just to watch”.
• 90% of this vacation is just me staring down seagulls over a plate of food.
• 90% of working in an office is trying not to be an arsonist.
• Doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results isn’t the definition of insanity it’s the definition of parenting.