July One-liners

New additions to the one-liners collection:

• “A hotel mini-bar allows you to see into the future and what a can of Pepsi will cost in 2020.” - Rich Hall
• “I have taken more good from alcohol than alcohol has taken from me.” - Winston Churchill
• Never believe anything until it’s been officially denied.
• “By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere.” - Confucius
• “Drive-in banks were established so most of the cars today could see their real owners.” - E. Joseph Cossman
• Any paint, regardless of quality or composition, will adhere permanently to any surface, prepared or otherwise, if applied accidentally.
• “If it’s so great outside, why are all the bugs trying to get inside my house?” - Jim Gaffigan
• “You might be a redneck if your house doesn’t have curtains, but your truck does.” - Jeff Foxworthy
• “My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that’s the law.” - Jerry Seinfeld
• “I intend to open this country up to democracy, and anyone who is against that, I will jail.” - João Baptista de Oliveira Figueiredo
• “If you find an Australian indoors, it’s a fair bet that he will have a glass in his hand.” - Jonathan Aitken
• “Winter is nature’s way of saying, ‘Up yours.’” - Robert Byrne
• “I like what mechanics wear… overall.” - Stewart Francis
• “Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.” - Jon Stewart
• “I will not eat oysters; I want my food dead… not sick… not wounded… dead.” - Woody Allen
• “Free advice is worth the price.” - Robert Half