September One-Liners

September is here. Summer is officially over, and we’re slowly moving toward darker times. But fear not, here are some sarcastic and funny one-liners to brighten your day. Want to see more? Then you should browse the complete collection of almost two thousand funny one-liners.

• The only thing standing between you and your dreams is insomnia.
• “The return we reap from generous actions is not always evident.” - Francesco Guicciardini
• “Cure for an obsession: get another one.” - Mason Cooley
• “Any kid will run any errand for you, if you ask at bedtime.” - Red Skelton
• You’re in a serious relationship when both members are wearing sweatpants.
• I knew there was little chance that the solution to my problems would be at the bottom of this whiskey bottle, but the important thing is that I tried.
• “You can’t expect to hit the jackpot if you don’t put a few nickels in the machine.” - Flip Wilson
• “There are times when one would like to hang the whole human race, and finish the farce.” - Mark Twain
• Trouble shared is trouble halved.
• Don’t regret the past, just learn from it.
• “Compassion and tolerance are not a sign of weakness, but a sign of strength.” - Dalai Lama
• “A lot of people are afraid of heights.  Not me.  I’m afraid of widths.” - Steven Wright
• “True friends stab you in the front.” - Oscar Wilde
• “To be free is nothing, to become free is everything.” - Hegel
• “Liberty is about our rights to question everything.” - Ai WeiWei
• “The nationalist not only does not disapprove of atrocities committed by his own side, but he has a remarkable capacity for not even hearing about them.” - George Orwell
• “To err is human, but to really screw things up requires a design committee of bureaucrats.” - Henry Spencer