September One-liners

September is here. Summer is officially over, and we’re slowly moving toward darker times. But fear not, here are some sarcastic and funny one-liners to brighten your day. Want to see more? Then you should browse the complete collection of more than 1,700 funny one-liners.

• “Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.” - Mark Twain
• I got myself into this, and I’ll get myself even deeper into this.
• Judge me by the people I avoid.
• Golf is what you play when you’re too out of shape to play softball.
• The only reason I play golf is to bug my wife. She thinks I’m having fun.
• If you listen closely you can here me not caring.
• I meant to behave but there were too many other options.
• “I’m not great at advice, can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?” - Chandler Bing
• I would love to lose weight but I hate losing.
• They say you are what you eat. I don’t remember eating a huge disappointment.
• I hope one day I love someone the way women in commercials love yogurt.
• Keep rolling your eyes, maybe you’ll find a brain back there.
• My boss asked me to start the presentation with a joke. I attached payslips on first slide.
• Everyone has the right to be stupid, but you are abusing the privilege.
• You call them swear words, I call them sentence enhancers.
• There are some that are wise, and others are otherwise.
• Grammar is the difference between knowing your shit & knowing you’re shit.
• Don’t regret doing things, regret getting caught.
• I’m really good at stuff until people watch me do that stuff.
• I’m not sarcastic, just intelligent beyond your understanding.
• “I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.” - Clarence Darrow
• “He is a self-made man and worships his creator.” - John Bright