It’s March, which means it’s a good time for some new funny one-liners. To be honest, all the time is a good time for some new funny one-liners. Enjoy!

• “We cannot put off living until we are ready.” — Jose Ortega y Gasset
• My mind is like concrete: thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.
• In life, you have two choices: get over it or die with it on your mind.
• If you are what you eat, I’m dead meat.
• “You can complain because roses have thorns, or you can rejoice because thorns have roses.” — Abraham Lincoln
• Money can’t buy happiness, but it can take you to a lot more places to look for it.
• “If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.” — George Carlin
• The main trouble with mental notes is the ink fades so fast.
• Life is not a matter of holding good cards, but of playing a poor hand well.
• The number of people watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
• Don’t ever confuse an open mind with one that’s vacant.
• Never buy a Rolex from someone who is out of breath.
• I don’t mind the rat race, but I could do with a little more cheese.
• I fought the lawn and the lawn won.
• Time is never wasted when you are wasted all the time.
• Good judgment comes from experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
• You can’t be late until you show up.
• When all else fails, lower your standards.
• Make a firm decision now. You can always change it later.
• Thank you! I’ll help myself out.