March One-liners

It’s March, which means it’s a good time for some new funny one-liners. To be honest, all the time is a good time for some new funny one-liners. Enjoy!

Every morning when I open the front door to leave for work, I tell my dog to stay, and every time I wish it were the other way around.
“Often it does seem a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat.” - Mark Twain
I thought about getting a tattoo, but decided to yell “look at me!” everywhere I went instead.
“Truth is the most valuable thing we have. Let us economize it.” - Mark Twain
Never trust a dog to watch your food.
“Let us live so that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.” - Mark Twain
A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.
People are making end of the world jokes like there is no tomorrow.
Atheists don’t solve exponential equations because they don’t believe in higher powers.
If at first you don’t succeed, we have a lot in common.
Money isn’t everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children.
I’m really good at stuff until people watch me do that stuff.
I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.
Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
How did I escape Iraq? Iran.

Thank you! I’ll help myself out.

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