It’s March, which means it’s a good time for some new funny one-liners. To be honest, all the time is a good time for some new funny one-liners. Enjoy!

• Every morning when I open the front door to leave for work, I tell my dog to stay, and every time I wish it were the other way around.
• “Often it does seem a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat.” - Mark Twain
• I thought about getting a tattoo, but decided to yell “look at me!” everywhere I went instead.
• “Truth is the most valuable thing we have. Let us economize it.” - Mark Twain
• Never trust a dog to watch your food.
• “Let us live so that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.” - Mark Twain
• A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.
• People are making end of the world jokes like there is no tomorrow.
• Atheists don’t solve exponential equations because they don’t believe in higher powers.
• If at first you don’t succeed, we have a lot in common.
• Money isn’t everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children.
• I’m really good at stuff until people watch me do that stuff.
• I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.
• Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
• How did I escape Iraq? Iran.

Thank you! I’ll help myself out.