February One-Liners

A new month means a couple of new funny one-liners added to the collection. Here are the new additions for February:

• “Et cetera” is Latin for “can’t think of a third example.”
• Victims of autocorrect, untie!
• “It usually takes me more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.” - Mark Twain
• Any job is a dream job if you fall asleep in meetings.
• “A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval.” - Mark Twain
• “Principles have no real force except when one is well-fed.” - Mark Twain
• “I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.” - Mark Twain
• Jokes about unemployed people are not funny. They just don’t work.
• I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
• Your life doesn’t get better by chance. It gets better by choice.
• I like Jesus, but he loves me, so it’s awkward.
• I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself this is the last thing I need.
• The only knowledge that can hurt you is the knowledge you don’t have.
• A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.
• Don’t trust atoms, they make up everything.
• I was addicted to the hokey pokey. But thankfully, I turned myself around.
• Have hope for the future, but maybe build a bomb shelter anyway.
• My wife says I can join your gang but I have to be home by 9.
• Why kill time when you can make it work for you?