August One-liners

It’s the first of the month, which means there’s time to add some more one-liners to the ever-growing collection.

• When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
• It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do.
• The problem with kleptomaniacs is that they always take things literally.
• People who use selfie sticks really need to have a good, long look at themselves.
• Well, to be Frank with you, I’d have to change my name.
• Communist jokes aren’t funny unless everyone gets them.
• If you don’t pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed?
• Don’t spell part backwards. It’s a trap.
• I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.
• If you think eggplant is good, you should try any other food; it’s much better.
• Hedgehogs, eh? Why can’t they just share the hedge?
• My friends tell me that cooking is easy, but it’s not easier than not cooking.
• Every novel is a mystery novel if you never finish it.
• My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
• To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m turning my house into an Italian restaurant.