Spring has really started to beak through winter, at least in the Northern hemisphere. Let’s celebrate with some of new funny one-liners.

• “We have to continually be jumping off cliffs and developing our wings on the way down.” - Kurt Vonnegut
• “Facts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable.” - Mark Twain
• “I don’t try to describe the future. I try to prevent it.” - Ray Bradbury
• “People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy.” - Bob Hope
• Your secrets are safe with me, because there’s a good chance I wasn’t listening.
• I considered being a stay-at-home mom until I realized the kids would be there.
• Karma means I can rest easy at night knowing all the people I treated badly had it coming.
• I was going to start my diet next week, but I’ve got too much on my plate.
• The hardest part of dating a blind woman is getting her husband’s voice right.
• Everyone has a right to be stupid. Politicians just abuse the privilege.
• Don’t you wish your life was as interesting as you let on it is on Facebook?
• Drinking alcoholic beverages before pregnancy can lead to pregnancy.
• It’s not whether you win or lose, but how you place the blame.
• The best thing about the good old days is I wasn’t good and I wasn’t old.
• The ladder of success is difficult to climb with your hands in your pockets.