July One-liners

It’s the 1st of July, which means there’s time to add some more funny one-liners to the ever-growing one-liners collection. This month, we’re adding some excellent dad jokes. Yes, I’m a dad, sorry about that.

• If two vegans get in a fight, is it still considered a beef?
• I don’t really call for funerals that start before noon. I guess I’m just not a mourning person.
• A cheese factory exploded in France. The brie is everywhere.
• I invented a new word today: Plagiarism.
• Can February March? No, but April May.
• I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I’m just doing it for kicks.
• I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.
• Five out of four people admit they’re bad with fractions.
• This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.
• I’m so good at sleeping I can do it with my eyes closed.
• My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home.
• I like telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs.
• Why did the old man fall in the well? Because he couldn’t see that well.
• I used to have a job at a calendar factory but I got the sack because I took a couple of days off.
• Two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks.
• I don’t trust stairs. They’re always up to something.
• I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!