February One-liners

January came and went without any new one-liners. But here’s a short and early February update:

• Just because red flags are popping up all over the place doesn’t mean she’s not the girl for you.
• Being in a relationship is the exhausting practice of ceaselessly trying to be more entertaining than a smart phone.
• The best secrets are the ones you’re let in on.
• Guilt is a dish best served by mom.
• What’s the most unreliable form of communication and how do I get my relatives to start using it?
• I return to work tomorrow with a child-like belief that this is the year people will think at least twice before hitting Reply All.
• I enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task.
• No matter how tough you think you are, there’s always a closed pistachio ready to mess you up.
• The longer I stay at home, the more homeless I look.
• I’ve pre-planned my funeral to include a 32 minute montage of the times I’ve accidentally waved hello to someone waving to someone behind me.
• I don’t make mistakes, I take alternative decisions.
• Don’t worry about tomorrow’s problems, handle today’s first.
• Don’t get burned twice on the same flame.
• I’m not asocial, I just don’t want to associate with idiots.