February One-liners

It’s been a while, but here are a few additions to the one-liners collection:

• “A dyslexic man walks into a bra.” - George Carlin
• “I don’t smoke, I don’t drink, I don’t snort, and I don’t gamble. I do lie a little bit though.” - Tim Maia
• “I’m not an actor, but I play one on TV.” - David Recksiek
• “The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.” - Demetri Martin
• “My friend has difficulty sleeping, but I can do it with my eyes closed.” - Shmuel Breban
• “If it wasn’t for pickpockets, I’d have no sex life at all.” - Rodney Dangerfield
• “Overall, I’d say my career as a photographer has been a bit of a blur.” - Milton Jones
• “I live in a two-income household, but who knows how long my mom can keep that up.” - Shmuel Breban
• “I quit my job at the helium factory, I refuse to be spoken to in that tone.” - Stewart Francis
• “People laughed when I said I’d become a comedian… well, they’re not laughing now.” - Bob Monkhouse
• Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
• I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
• Few women admit their age; few men act it.
• If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made with meat?
• No one is listening until you make a mistake.
• He who laughs last thinks slowest.
• Laugh alone and the world thinks you’re an idiot.
• Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.
• You can’t have everything; where would you put it?