Here are a few new one-liners I’ve added to the collection:

• I’m sorry for all of the awful things I said to you when you were wrong and needed to hear them.
• “I finally found my dream woman. She’s very hot, and nobody else can see her.” - Ray Bryant
• “I am now on three dating sites because you can never get enough rejection.” - Mark Campbell
• “I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.” - Donna McCoy
• Marriage should come with a stenographer.
• Facebook memories are a great way to see how fat you’ve gotten.
• When you’re dead, you don’t know that you’re dead. All of the pain is felt by others. The same thing happens when you’re stupid.
• If the bathroom isn’t flooded did the kids even brush their teeth?
• The reward for a job well done is more work.
• If i had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.
• I can totally keep secrets. It’s the people I tell them to that can’t.
• My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
• Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
• What’s worse than waking up at a party, and finding a penis drawn on your face? Finding out it was traced.
• If you’re not supposed to eat at night, why is there a light bulb in the refrigerator?