December One-Liners

Here are some additions to the one-liners collection. The plan was to collect some Christmas one-liners, but it turned out most of the ones I found online were either not one-liners or a bit too dirty or both. So instead, I bring you this long December list of mostly non-holiday related snippets of wisdom. Enjoy!

• What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.
• A hard thing about a business is minding your own.
• A cheap shot is a terrible thing to waste.
• If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
• When you stop believing in Santa Claus is when you start getting clothes for Christmas.
• I think, therefore I’m single.
• I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
• WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
• Trust but verify.
• Men are like mascara, they usually run at the first sign of emotion.
• The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
• Ham and Eggs: A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
• I pretend to work as long as they pretend to pay me.
• Discretion is being able to raise your eyebrow instead of your voice.
• Alcoholism is the only disease that tries to convince you that you don’t have it.
• I said “no” to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen.
• Why don’t you slip into something more comfortable…like a coma.
• A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
• Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet.
• A celebrity is someone who works hard all his life to become known and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
• For every action, there is a corresponding over-reaction.
• The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
• It matters not whether you win or lose: what matters is whether I win or lose.
• Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
• Impotence: Nature’s way of saying “no hard feelings”.
• I don’t have an attitude; I have a personality you can’t handle.
• Dogs have masters. Cats have staff.
• Experience is what you get when you didn’t get what you wanted.
• If you can stay calm while all around you is chaos, then you probably haven’t completely understood the situation.
• The difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.
• I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
• A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
• Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.

The collection now contains more than 1300 carefully selected one-liners.