Christmas Bonus!

You might have noticed that I’ve been trying to add new one-liners to the collection at the beginning of every month. Here’s a quick Christmas bonus for you enjoyment:

• I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
• Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
• Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
• A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
• My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
• Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
• When in doubt, mumble.
• Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you’re an asshole.
• I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.
• You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
• A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
• Haikus are easy. But sometimes they don’t make sense. Refrigerator.
• Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.
• To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential.
• People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves.
• Materialism: Buying things we don’t need with money we don’t have to impress people that don’t matter.
• The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously.
• Alcohol doesn’t solve any problems…but then again, neither does milk.
• The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it.
• What if there were no hypothetical questions?
• True friendship comes when the silence between two people is comfortable.
• A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
• Whose idea was it to put an “S” in the word “lisp”?
• Be careful of your thoughts, they may become words at any moment.
• The farther away the future is, the better it looks.
• This isn’t an office. It’s hell with fluorescent lighting.
• My drinking team has a bowling problem.