Battery Energy Drink, or Battery for short, is something as exotic as a Finnish energy drink. It was launched in its home country in 1997 by the Sinebrychoff Brewery, and found its way to Norway the following year. 1998 was also the year I started college and even though I can’t remember having had a single Battery back then, the marketing campaign following the Norwegian launch must have been successful: Battery quickly became the de facto standard energy drink when mixing drinks at parties (so I’m guessing it was also priced low and affordable for students) and our apartment would always smell of half-empty cups of Battery and cheap moonshine vodka the next morning. Oh, the memories.

Can

What a can! This particular can is a limited edition, though, by Remi Juliebø / Painbucket. It’s got lightning, a blue dragon and a jet fighter! Even the Urge Intense can looks boring and mundane compared to this. The usual Battery can design is a lot more subtle, however, with a design that makes the can look like, you guessed it; a battery. Unlike most other energy drinks, Battery doesn’t seem to have a need to brag about any special ingredients from the rain forest in huge letters on the can: It just states that it’s an “energy drink” with caffeine. The list of ingredients on the back of the can, however, reveals that Battery also contains Guarana extract and Taurine. It also says that you should “not drink more than two cans a day”, which is interesting: From what I can tell, Battery doesn’t contain any more caffeine - or other active ingredients - than other energy drinks, but it’s still the only can where I’ve noticed such a warning.

First smell

The first smell of Battery smells surprisingly little, and much less than I thought it would. Because of my memories of waking up after a party to the all too familiar odor of Battery, I had expected a gigantic blast from the past. At least a little nausea. But there’s nothing, which I probably shouldn’t complain about. Still, I prefer my energy drinks to actually have a some scent.

First sip from the can

Since Battery didn’t smell much, I guess it comes as no huge surprise that it doesn’t taste much either. Perhaps I have to add a bit of vodka or some other clear liquor to boost the taste? I’m not in a position where I can get drunk in the middle of the day, so unfortunately that’s not an option.

Taste from a glass

There’s no real difference in the taste from a glass - Battery tastes dull, lifeless and only mildly carbonated. From a glass, the drink has a mild, bitter aftertaste. Maybe it’s the sour aftertaste of actually having spent money on a can of Battery, or perhaps it’s a physical manifestation of the acid letdown the drink feels like when it was poured from the beautiful limited edition can.

Visuals

There’s nothing special about the way Battery looks in the glass - it’s has the standard energy drink color, it may be a bit lighter and more yellow than most other drinks. There’s hardly any fizz, with only a few lonely bubbles of carbon dioxide desperately trying to look interesting on the surface. Maybe the can I got is a dud?

After 5 minutes

Despite Battery not tasting anything in particular, I’m chugging it down. The reason is probably that I was thirsty when I started drinking, which gives Battery an advantage over the other energy drinks I’ve reviewed so far. I’ve got a massive layer of the familiar energy drink slime everywhere in my mouth. Not a great shock, since a can of Battery contains no less than 11% sugar.

After 10 minutes

Each gulp tastes close to absolutely nothing now. I might as well have been drinking sugar water with a slight touch of carbonation. I do feel a little more refreshed than I did before I started on the can, which is most likely caused by the caffeine. Spotify is playing Michael Cassette. The can is about half empty, or half full, depending on your view of the world.

The can is empty

Well, I eventually emptied the can, but I have no idea how long it actually took since the baby woke up and I had to change her diaper. Despite having to clean up a massive dump, I did not miss my can of Battery. Does that mean I’d rather change a diaper than drink a can of Battery?

The final verdict

I am Disappointed. Yeah, that’s with a capital D. I thought my Battery Energy Drink would taste a lot more and bring back tons of great party memories. But it did neither. Battery has absolutely no character. What saved the day for the energy drink was the amazing limited edition can design. Others should look to this can for inspiration. Buy a can for you collection, but don’t waste your time with its contents.

Quick facts

Manufacturer

Sinebrychoff Brewery is a Finnish brewery and soft drinks company. It was founded in 1819 in Helsinki, Finland by Russian merchant Nikolai Sinebrychoff (Russian: Николай Петрович Синебрюхов), and is one of the largest breweries in Finland today. It has since become part of Carlsberg Breweries A/S.

Caffeine

A central nervous system (CNS) stimulant. It is the world’s most widely consumed psychoactive drug, but unlike many other psychoactive substances, it is legal and unregulated in nearly all parts of the world. Caffeine is used to reduce physical fatigue and to prevent or treat drowsiness. It produces increased wakefulness, faster and clearer flow of thought, increased focus, and better general body coordination.

Taurine

Essential for cardiovascular function, and development and function of skeletal muscle, the retina, and the central nervous system. However, its role in these processes is not clearly understood and the influence of high taurine doses on these processes is uncertain.

Guarana

A climbing plant in the maple family, Sapindaceae, native to the Amazon basin and especially common in Brazil. Its seeds contain about twice the concentration of caffeine found in coffee seeds. Preliminary research has shown Guarana may affect how quickly the body perceives itself to be full.