Here are a few new one-liners I’ve added to the collection:

• Your soulmate is currently working their way through several other soulmates before they finally get to you.
• “The computing scientist’s main challenge is not to get confused by the complexities of his own making.” - E. W. Dijkstra
• Call me anything you want except early in the morning.
• I judge my day based on how many times I threaten to take my kids to the orphanage.
• I don’t appreciate how quickly you agree when I admit that I’m imperfect.
• Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
• I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.
• You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.
• No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
• The hardest part of dating a blind woman is getting her husband’s voice right.
• The world would be a cleaner place if we gave blind people brooms instead of canes.
• I’m starting to think I’ll never be old enough to know better.
• I have the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
• Don’t worry about old age. It doesn’t last that long.
• I don’t have gray hair. I have “wisdom highlights”.
• My people skills are just fine. It’s my tolerance to idiots that needs work.
• Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.
• When they discover the center of the universe, a lot of people will be disappointed they’re not it.